If only once
by Mikasha
Summary: Yuki disappeared for three years and has finally made his return to Tokyo. The torn up Shuichi is thrilled by the arrival, but who is with Yuki? Rated R for later chapters.
1. Memories of our love

_Memories of our love_

Three years.

_Has it really been that long?_

A delicate hand brushed through strawberry locks of hair, a soft sigh escaping from behind luscious moist lips. Shuichi sat quietly in his room, those gorgeous violet orbs staring down at a worn out picture.

"Three years…?" The young singer whispered to himself.

The picture of his past love was held tightly in his hand as Shuichi watched a tear drop onto the paper. The corners of the picture were bent, dirt lining each edge. A small rip at the bottom of the picture had formed and slight wrinkles throughout the main picture had made their way from Shuichi carrying it in his pocket.

"Why …" He whispered, dropping his head down.

---

"That's fine." A gentle voice replied into his cell phone.

"Yes, yes. 10:00, that's fine." Tohma sighed and hung up the phone, soft fingertips brushing back a strand of his hair.

Leaning back in his chair Tohma folded his hands over each other, speaking to the intercom on his desk.

"Let him in." He said in a slightly demanding, yet calm tone.

Tohma's teal eyes averted towards the large office door. A smile crossed his lips as a young man entered the room. The man was dressed in a long black coat, his hands shoved into his pockets. Dirty blonde lochs of hair covered cold golden eyes, a frown set upon his lips. He stood in front of Tohma's desk, sliding out a cigarette from his pocket.

"Yuki, I'm glad you could make it. It's been a long time, now hasn't it?" Tohma replied with a smile.

"It's only been three years." Yuki said with a slight sarcasm to his tone, taking a long drag of his cigarette.

"Even so, you have someone who would like to see you."

Yuki rolled his eyes, sitting down in the chair set up for him. He sighed softly, images of his past flashing through his mind. Three years ago he had left, left without telling anyone at all. He didn't want anyone to know where he had gone. He had to get away, away from everyone in his life. Especially…. Him. That boy who kept coming back to him no matter how mean he was.

---

Shuichi stood slowly, another soft sigh making its way. The young singer averted his eyes to the door of his bedroom, walking to it as if something horrible lay behind it. Shuichi nearly screamed as the loud ring of his cell phone echoed throughout his apartment.

"Damnit!" He shook his head and quickly grabbed the cell phone from his bed, holding it up to his ear.

"Shindou Shuichi…" He replied in a soft yet somewhat annoyed voice.

"Ah Shuichi, I'm glad I got to you," Tohma announced on the other end in a calm tone.

The singer sighed and leaned back against the wall, his violet orbs slowly closing.

"What do you want Seguchi-san?"

"He's back." Tohma smiled slightly, glancing to the man sitting in his office as he spoke softly.

Shuichi paused, his eyes locked on the ground before warm tears made their way down his velvet soft cheeks. He shook his head, biting down on his bottom lip.

"Shuichi?" Tohma said quietly after the long silence. Shuichi nearly fell to his knees as he heard the voice in the background.

"Is that the brat?" Yuki said to Tohma, inhaling the smoke of his cigarette.

"Yuki…" Shuichi turned his view towards the window in his bedroom, the bright rays of light making him squint slightly. How could he be there? Was that really Yuki that he heard? It couldn't be. Yuki was gone and never coming back; ever.

---

A slight whimper could be heard from a mess of black silk sheets as the alarm clock on the far end table blared its annoying horn. A hand snapped out and quickly pressed the snooze button. Soft mumbles sounded from the sheet before a slim body sat up, arms stretching above his head.

"Damn thing." Shuichi said quietly, his hand dropping down and rubbing his eye tiredly. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, rubbing his hands down his face before catching sight of his cell phone. He blinked before a sudden frown was set upon his lips. The young singer carefully picked up the cell phone, watching it closely as if it was to attack him. Shuichi turned over the plastic phone as he set his violet orbs on the prints covering the back of the phone. Some were torn slightly while the rest remained perfect. His nails traced along the pictures then gently over Yuki's face.

"Yuki….." He quickly shook his head as those strawberry lochs of hair ruffled slightly, brushing against the singer's forehead. Shuichi stood up swiftly, giving out a slight cry as he fell backwards onto his bed, the blood rushing to his head. Whimpering quietly, he turned his head away, sighing softly. Shuichi dreaded getting up to going to work today. He was tired and was not looking forward to being pounded with questions about his mood.

Shuichi shoved himself up once again, whining to the pain in his head before throwing his cell phone down. Moving to his closet, he stared at the assortment of cloths with a slight sigh. He didn't know what to wear, nor did he care much. A hand tiredly reached out and grabbed a black t-shirt from its hanger. Pulling it over his head quickly he brushed his hair back with his fingertips. Violet eyes scanned the ground as he snatched a pair of jeans from the ground, tugging them on with a slight jump to pull them up his leg. The singer sighed, staring at the huge rip in his pants. This was not going to be a good day.

---

"Shindou-san!" Mr. Sakano screeched out in slight shock. He nearly had a heart attack at the absence of the young singer.

Shuichi said his apologies to the band, bowing and waving his hand slightly. Sighing he leaned back against the wall, tensing suddenly to the feel of a cold barrel pressed to his temple. He raised his shoulders slightly, hearing a familiar voice.

"Why were you late?" K said in a stern, somewhat aggravated voice. He watched as Shuichi turned to him before giving off a smile to the younger man, placing his hand on the trigger.

"Shuichi!" Tohma entered the room suddenly, wearing his normal attire with his kind but deadly smile placed upon his lips. K frowned slightly, holding the gun to his side,

Shuichi turned to Tohma, moving away from while stepping up to his producer, shaking his head and bowing.

"Seguchi-san."

"Shuichi." Tohma tilted his head slightly, his smile growing brighter. Turning slightly on his heel, he pointed a gloved finger towards the door behind him. A form moved forward from the dark, smoke combining with the air. Shuichi gasped suddenly, staring in shock at the new addition to the small room.

Yuki brushed away a strand of his hair, shooting a slight glare towards Tohma. He watched as Tohma smiled to him, the author growling softly. _Damn him_. Yuki took a long drag of his cigarette before taking sight of the young pink haired boy before him. He had grown slightly taller, his body taking a slightly more adult shape. Those usual large loving violet orbs were sadder now, a hint of hurt present. It was because of him, and he knew it. The author stepped forward, extending his hand out to the singer.

Shuichi started in awe, listening to Hiro yell at Yuki to stay away. The singer shook his head before moving forward, letting his cheek rest against his ex-lovers hand. His eyes sealed shut as he bit his lip slightly. Yuki's hand was so soft… so delicate. Smiling slightly he held the others wrist with his hand, nuzzling up to him.

"Shuichi…" Yuki replied in a stern voice before moving forward, his fist slamming into the young singer's stomach. Shuichi gasped for air at the sudden attack, dropping down to his knees and quickly taking hold of his stomach. Hiro ran to Shuichi's side, wrapping his arms tightly around the singers body.

The boy took in a deep breath, his eyes filling with instant tears. How could he do that? After all this time, how could he hurt him like this again?

"What the fuck was that for you bastard!!" Hiro screamed at the novelist, anger present in every bitter word he spoke.

Yuki stared down at the boy quietly, his golden hues locked on the singers form. He merely ignored the guitarist's screams, giving a slight roll of his eyes. Kneeling down to his ex, he tilted the boys chin up, a soft voice coming from his lips.

"Brat…." He whispered into the others ear, his tongue slipping over the soft skin. He felt Shuichi shiver to the touch before a smug smirk crossed his lips.

"I wish you were dead."

Shuichi froze, his heart feeling like a thousand knifes stabbed him. How could Yuki say that? He couldn't mean it. He was just having a bad day…. Right? The young singer started straight at the author, shock and pain in his eyes. Hiro jumped to his feet, grabbing Yuki by the collar of his shirt and shoving him back against the wall.

"Get the fuck out of here! You can't come in and say those things to him again! You were suppose to be gone you bastard!!" Hiro hissed out at Yuki, his anger growing as he noticed how unfazed the author was.

"Eiri?" A soft voice came from behind the two. Hiro and Shuichi looked to the door in unison, noticing a young woman standing there. She was short, if anything only about 5'3. Long, wavy golden hair adorned her shoulders as emerald hues started at the author pinned back against the wall. Her hand moved up to her lips with a slight gasp at the sight before him.

"Mommy?" A small girl moved up beside the woman, the child's hand clutching to the others pure white dress. She was at most two years old with chin length golden hair. She looked quite much like her mother. Shuichi gaped at the sight before averting his eyes up to Yuki, attempting to stand up. He coughed and fell back down, clutching his stomach quickly from his pain.

Yuki turned to the two, staring before glaring at Hiro, shoving him off. Stepping to the woman, he brushed a kiss to her cheek. Shuichi's eyes widened suddenly at the sight, his chest taking on another sharp pain. Was… he with her?

"I asked you to wait in the car, Akiko." Yuki bent down and picked up the child, holding her in his arms as she giggled to the attention. Tohma, finally speaking up after watching the situation quietly, moved up to Yuki. He smiled and bowed to the woman, shaking her hand.

"You must be Yuki's wife. And is this your daughter?"

---

Alright. That's all for now. >>; Sorry for the shortness! It's actually longer then I intended. But okay! Please read and review. Thanks! ; I'll try to have the next chapter up by next wednesday. Maybe sooner, maybe a little later. Enjoy.


	2. Forever with you

**Author note**: Alright. This chapter is actually pretty boring. Unless you like mushy stuff. x3 Sorry sorry. I'll get a better chapter out next. I hope you enjoy this one. Thank you to all those who reviewed, I really appreciate it! Oh! And sorry for being a day or so late! Gomen!

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gravitation. I wish I did though. T T; If I did I would not be wasting my life on this computer.

----

_Forever with you_

Shuichi sat quietly on his bed, those sheets curling around his body. It had been two days since he met Yuki again. Why'd he have to come back? Why'd he have to hurt him like that? The singer dropped his face into his hands, choking back his tears. He had left as soon as Yuki departed with the others, Hiro screaming as the novelist walked off. Shuichi brushed back a strand of hair as he sighed gently, leaning his head backwards to stare at the bleached white ceiling above.

After ten minutes of convincing himself he needed to get out of bed, Shuichi swung his legs over the side and stood up, wincing. He stretched his arms and glanced to the alarm clock. 10:30 am. He had nothing to do today, how fun. Rolling his eyes slightly, the twenty-one year old stepped into the hallway of his apartment, tiredly moving to his kitchen. After grabbing himself a cold glass of milk and some cereal to munch on he turned on his heel and took a seat to his dinning room table.

The young singer stretched once more after completing his meal roughly five minutes later. Shuichi brought his dishes back to the sink, washing them quietly. It was always this quiet in his apartment. As many times as Hiro and his other friends came over to visit, it would never be the same as it use to be. He use to always have someone to come home to, someone to tell his day about. But now it was so different… he was alone. Of course he still had his friends, but no one to love like when he had Yuki. Shuichi averted his violet orbs to the steak knives set up neatly in their holders. His hand reached out towards them, pulling out a long thin one. The light gleamed off the metal, making the singer stare in awe at the beauty.

His body leaned back against the wall, setting the knife to the skin on his wrist before he blinked and shook his head, quickly dropping the knife onto the counter top once again. What the hell was he doing? He had to be going crazy. Shuichi gave a hard long sigh, amazed he even thought of such an act to set upon himself. The phone rang and Shuichi nearly screamed at the sounded sound echoing throughout his apartment. A shaky hand quickly grabbed it and picked it up.

"Hello?" He said softly, not knowing who would be calling him in the morning.

"Shuichi?" Hiro replied, a slight worry in his voice.

Shuichi sighed and leaned back against the wall, sliding down to his butt. He was relieved it was Hiro yet at the same time wishing he could have gone back to sleep.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Just wanted to know what you were doing today. You alright? You seem tired. Is it about the other day?"

Shuichi winced slightly as the memories of two days ago. A frown crossed his lips as he shook his head, thinking Hiro would see it.

"No, it's not about that, just a little bored I guess." He knew in his mind that it was what he saw… Yuki… with a wife and daughter? It was impossible. His hand brushed over his own cheek, wiping away the warm tears that had formed.

"Do you need anything?" Hiro said with a worried tone to his voice.

Shuichi smiled gently to the concern of his friend, knowing that Hiro would always be there for him.

"No thanks, Hiro. I'm fine. I'll call you if I need anything. Thanks." Shuichi turned off the phone after hearing his friend say goodbye.

Setting the phone back down on the counter he stood up and walked into the living room, staring at the blank T.V. His violet eyes turned to gaze out into the large window, overlooking the city. A gentle smile crossed over his lips as he jumped, the phone ringing again loudly. Was everyone trying to give him a heart attack today?

Shuichi ran into the kitchen, snatching up the phone and clicking it on. He became quiet as he quietly gaped at who had called, his fingertips digging into the countertop.

"Yuki?" He said quietly, those violet eyes clenching shut at the sound of his ex lover.

"Listen brat, let's meet up somewhere." Yuki responded quickly, yet softly.

The young singer winced at how gentle the words sounded, his eyes trailing down the cabinet to the ground.

"Why? Where?"

"I need to talk to you. Can I just go to your place?" Yuki said quietly, as if he was trying to avoid someone hearing them.

"Yeah… sure… How about 5? I have work later on…" Shuichi nodded to himself, hearing Yuki give him an agreement. He hung up on the author, slowly walking back into the living room.

He fell backwards onto his couch, sighing softly and staring at the ceiling above. Why the hell would Yuki call him? And how did he know his number? He growled softly to himself and rolling onto his side. It had to of been Tohma. The singer wasn't quite sure if he was happy or pissed about Yuki knowing his number, but he knew Yuki was coming at five o'clock, and he _had_ to be ready to see him again. His eyes fell closed as a soft yawn made its way past his lips, pulling a blanket over his head.

---

Cold, golden eyes stared out ahead onto the road, pressing a foot against the pedal slightly harder. Yuki growled quietly, pissed at himself for making this arrangement with the singer. He lifted his hand and stared at the small piece of paper with an address scribbled on it. Tohma had given him Shuichi's number and address earlier that day so Yuki could meet up with his ex lover. Yuki glanced to the clock, raising an eyebrow slightly to the time. It was already 5:10. He was late on their 'date.' Smirking to himself at the thought of it being a date, he hit the gas once more, continuing to pick up speed as he zipped towards the singers home.

Arriving at the complex around 5 minutes later, Yuki stared at the rather large apartment building. He was rather amazed at how nice the place actually was. Stepping out of his car once parking it on the curb, he straightened out his midnight black suit. Slowly making his way into the building, he pressed the button to the elevator, quietly waiting for it to pick him up.

At least three minutes later Yuki made his way down the 10th floor hallway, scanning over each door to find the apartment door that read 312. He paused and fully turned toward the numbered door, those golden eyes running over the smooth metal frame of it. Taking in a deep breath he sighed and knocked loudly on the door, listening for any noise to come from inside.

He heard Shuichi scream and he blinked, knocking on the door again. Once hearing the singer run to the door he frowned, listening to Shuichi fumble with the lock. He stepped back gently as the door flung open, his golden hues glancing towards the other. Yuki raised an eyebrow slightly, glancing over the boy again. The author frowned softly and looked past the other into the apartment. He didn't like seeing Shuichi like this. The boy looked so broken, so depressed. All because of him…

"Yuki…" Shuichi said softly, watching Yuki look into his apartment. What was wrong with him? Did he really hate him so much that he couldn't look at him. Shuichi bit his bottom lip, his darkened eyes moving towards the ground.

He heard Yuki gasp slightly as he threw his arms around the author quickly, hugging him as tight as possible. Shuichi needed to hold Yuki again, it had been so long and he missed being so close to the other.

Yuki reached down his hand, quietly stroking his velvet soft fingertips through those strawberry lochs. He sighed and pulled the boy closer, holding the slim body to his body.

"Yuki…" Shuichi mumbled while hiding his face against Yuki's chest. The singer pulled back slowly, his eyes locked on the ground. Why did he have to hug him? It was a stupid mistake. He cursed at himself for doing it, clenching his hands at this side.

"Aren't you going to let me in?" The author smirked deeply, his fingertips sliding across Shuichi's velvet soft cheeks.

"H… hai…" Shuichi nodded gently and pulled slowly away from Yuki's fingers, turning on his heel to allow the other inside.

The author smirked softly and walked past the singer, brushing against him. His eyes scanned the apartment, amazed at the size of it. Frowning gently, he stepped up to the couch, taking a seat on it and pulling out his box of cigarettes.

Shuichi eyed the author quietly before walking up in front of him, taking a seat on the couch. His eyes glanced to the box of cigarettes before sighing in relief.

"Can I have one? I need one." Shuichi said, getting a surprised look from Yuki.

"You smoke? Damn." He shook his head in shock, holding out a cancer stick to his ex lover. He watched the other place it gently between his lips, reaching out onto his table to grab his lighter. Yuki blinked, wondering how he didn't notice the lighter there earlier. Leaning back into the couch he lit up his own cigarette, taking in a long relaxing drag.

Shuichi did the same, inhaling the deadly smoke into his lungs. He smiled and slowly let the smoke pour from his mouth, holding the cigarette between his two fingers.

After a while of an awkward silence, Shuichi stood up and put the cigarette out on an old gum wrapper on the table. His eyes focused on Yuki before pivoting on his heel and walking towards the kitchen.

"Want something to drink?" Shuichi said, tugging open the door of the fridge. He blinked and rummaged through the food and drinks inside, waiting for Yuki to answer.

Yuki smirked and moved up behind Shuichi in a quiet shift motion. His strong arms wrapped around the younger boys waist, pulling him back close to his body.

"Y… Yuki!" Shuichi whined slightly, his face turning beat red. "What about your girlfriend!"

The author closed his eyes, ignoring Shuichi as his lips brushed down the singer's neck. A gentle moan escaped as his fingertips playfully tugged on the lining of Shuichi's pants. He heard the other groan as the authors hand dropped down past the mans boxers. Cold fingertips wrapped tightly around the singer's length, leading to Shuichi moaning out Yuki's name.

Shuichi shook his head and blushed madly, leaning into Yuki's body and touch. He adored being held this way; no one had done so for so long. Violet orbs closed as he held onto Yuki's arm, moving his hips to allow his length to slide in and out of the author's hand.

Yuki smirked and tugged away, turning away. A few blonde lochs brushed over his eyes as he walked towards the apartment door.

"You still have feelings for me, brat." He said and stopped at the door, leaning against the door frame once the door opened.

Shuichi blushed and stared straight at the ground, his hands clenching at his sides.

Yuki stared at the man he once loved, giving off a slight frown before turning his head to look out into the hallway of the tenth floor in the apartment. Sliding a hand into his pocket he turned and walked out of Shuichi's apartment, heading towards the elevator.

Shuichi gasped and ran to his door, watching Yuki retreat into the hallway.

"Yuki…" The singer clenched his teeth, staring at the ground quietly.

The author stopped and turned towards the singer, the elevator doors opening behind him. He smirked gently, leaning his head to the side.

"Brat, get over me." Yuki said and retreated into the elevator. Shuichi stared at the metal doors before running into his apartment, slamming the door shut as warm tears flowed freely from his eyes.

He took in a deep breath, attempting to calm himself but failing miserably. His eyes caught a glimpse of the knife he had taken out earlier, staring at its morbid beauty. Stepping into the kitchen he picked up and held it in front of his face, staring at himself in the reflection. He quickly held out his wrist and in one swift motion dropped the blade to the delicate skin and sliced it.

---

_Okay! Sorry about the place I chose to end, but really need to get this up, PLUS I'm suffering from a HORRIBLE writers block. I'll have the next chappie out as soon as possible. Please review! Wow... this chapter is short. Gomen!! I'll try to get them longer! XX; Must kill my writers block first. Kyaah._


	3. Do you remember?

**Authors note:** Alright. Next chapter is up. This chapter mainly consists of a song, but gives out some information you may have been wondering. Hope you enjoy it.

**Disclaimer:** I do not in any which way, shape, or form, own _Gravitation_.

-----

**Chapter Three**

_Do you remember?_

Yuki leaned back onto the couch in his newly bought apartment building. His "wife" and "daughter" had left for America two days before. He was planning on heading back to the States in a few months, but decided to buy an apartment in the meanwhile.

Golden Orbs scanned over his apartment, the newly painted snow white walls reflecting the warm sun onto Yukis' face. Yuki sighed and reached his hand up to brush away a loch of blonde hair as his eyes averted to the cell phone lying upon the coffee table in front of him. The author reached out to snatch up the phone and leaned back into the couch, flipping open the cell. Yuki quickly dialed a phone number and quietly closed his eyes.

---

Violet orbs quietly stared down at his wrist, looking at the four cuts embedded in his skin. Shuichi grinned slightly and pulled his sleeve over his arm to hide the damage he had done to himself. The singer jumped and held his heart, hearing the rings of his phone blaring out. Why the hell was he so jumpy lately? Stepping into the hallway, Shuichi grabbed the phone from the table. He turned it on and held it to his hear, falling back onto the couch while yawning.

"Shuichi here."

"Hey brat."

Shuichi froze at Yukis voice, debating on whether or not he should hang up right then and there.

"Yuki?"

"Let's meet up." Yuki said quickly, almost cutting off Shuichi.

Shuichi winced as he felt the cuts on his arm start to suddenly throb. He pulled up his sleeve slightly and stared down at the four wounds, frowning softly. The young singer had cut himself once every day since his and Yukis last meeting. Shuichi held the phone between his shoulder and his ear so he could gently trace the cuts. Wincing once again, he tugged his sleeve over his arm and nodded to himself.

"Sure. When do you want to meet up, Yuki?"

"Right now. I'm coming over your place." And with that Shuichi heard the author hang up to leave him in slight shock. Why was Yuki meeting up with him so much now?

---

Around thirty-minutes later Shuichi heard his doorbell ring, those eyes averting towards the door. He gave off a small smile and pushed himself up while turning off the T.V, walking to the front of his apartment. Swinging open the door the young singer smiled brightly up Yuki but quickly frowning as he met with those ice cold eyes of his ex lover. He bowed his head and moved to the side to allow Yuki in, feeling the author move past him and gently brush his shoulder. Shuichi closed the door and walked up behind Yuki while heading towards the kitchen.

"Anything to drink?" He said gently, his eyes catching the knife on the counter. He grinned slightly and shook his head, swinging open the door on the fridge.

"Beer." Yuki responded bluntly and took a seat on the couch, crossing his legs and watching Shuichi in the kitchen.

Shuichi gave a slight nod and pulled out one of his own beers from the fridge, walking out to Yuki and handing it to him. A small smile crossed his lips as the author took the beer, his eyes watching his ex snap open the top. Taking a seat next to Yuki the singer leaned back into the couch, feeling Yukis arm slide around his waist.

_So much to believe in - We were lost in time  
Everything I needed  
I fell into your eyes  
Always thought of keepin - Your heart next to mine  
But now that seems so far away  
Don't know how love could leave without a trace  
Where do silent hearts go?_

Yuki bowed his head and set the beer to the coffee table in front of him. The author brushed his lips along the singers, hearing the other give a gentle moan to the sudden warmth. Yuki slid his hand over Shuichis' chest before pushing his hand up past his shirt. Shuichi groaned gently and pushed up against Yukis' lips, greedily wanting more.

_Where does my heart beat now  
Where is the sound  
That only echoes through the night  
Where does my heart beat now  
I can't live without  
Without feeling it inside  
Where do all the lonely hearts go_

**-Flashback-**

Shuichi stared down at the crumpled note in his hand he had found next to his bed. Tears streamed down his soft delicate cheeks. The singer glanced towards the other side of the bed and was met with neatly made sheets and pillow stylishly placed on top. The note was clenched in his hand as he pushed himself up. Throwing his legs over the side of the bed Shuichi stood up and ran out of the room, searching throughout his and Yukis apartment. After checking the last room, Yukis study, the boy leaned back against the wall and fell down to his knees. He threw the note to the side as he sobbed freely into his hands.

_Dear Brat,_

_I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. I have no desire to see you again. Do not try to find me because I'll only leave again. I'm done with you. Goodbye, Shuichi._

_-Yuki_

It was so short and simple yet it made him cry instantly. Shuichi bit his lower lip and fell forward onto his hands, those childish hues staring at the ground as the darkness of his soul slowly escaped into them.

**-End of flashback-**

Yuki smirked deeply and tugged on the others pants, snapping open the button. Shuichi groaned again and reached down to undo his own zipper and tug off his pants. The author gave a slight chuckle at the others eagerness while dropping his hand past the boys boxers, his fingertips stroking over Shuichis cock.

_Candle in the water - Drifting helplessly  
Hiding from the thunder - Come and rescue me  
Driven by hunger - Of the endless dream  
I'm searching for the hand that I can hold  
I'm reaching for the arms that let me know  
Where do silent hearts go?_

"Yuki…" Shuichi groaned and leaned his head back, his palms pressing down against the cushion of the couch.

Sliding his tongue over Shuichis neck, Yuki smirked deeper and tightly wrapped his hand around the others length while listening to Shuichi cry out. Shuichi closed his eyes and panted slightly, wriggling under Yukis delicate touches.

_I know that out there somewhere  
He waits for me  
Someone who's searching just like me  
Then one touch overcomes the silence  
Love still survives  
Two hearts needing one another  
Give me wings to fly  
I hear my heartbeat now  
I hear the sound  
Hear it echo through the night_

In a swift movement Yuki pinned Shuichis wrists above him, sucking on the others bottom lip. Shuichi cried out and winced as Yuki grabbed his wrist, feeling the cuts throb in sheer pain. Yuki moved back slightly and raised an eyebrow while Shuichi pulled down his arm and cradled it. A slight glare was given to the singer as Yuki tugged Shuichis sleeve down and stared at the reopened wounds. The blood traced down the boys arm and dripped onto the sleeve of his shirt.

"What the fuck is that, Brat?" He said coldly, tracing his fingertips over the wounds.

Shuichi winced again and turned his head away, knowing that Yuki was going to get extremely pissed. Violet orbs closed as he tugged his arm back towards his body, holding it close.

"It's nothing." The singer said gently, standing up. He walked down the hallway and quickly entered the bathroom, pulling out the liquid band-aids from underneath the sink. Shuichi fell back and sat on the tiled floor, hearing Yukis foot steps come towards the bathroom. Shuichi ran the liquid band-aid over his cuts before Yuki entered the bathroom, swinging open the door and glaring straight at Shuichi. Yuki wasn't dumb and he knew exactly what the brat was doing. The worse thing was he knew it had to be because of him; because _he_ left for his own selfish reasons.

"Shuichi…" Yuki said gently, kneeling down to the other and pulling him into his arms.

_I feel my heart beat now  
Now that I've found  
The feeling lives inside  
I've got someone to give my heart to  
Feel it getting stronger and stronger and stronger  
Hearts are made to last  
Till the end of time_

"Why?" Yuki said gently after nearly ten minutes of silence. His arms remained wrapped around the boys' body, listening to his almost faint sobs. Shuichi curled up against his ex lovers body while hiding his face against the others chest.

"I don't know… Yuki." Shuichi replied gently, hugging the other tightly.

Frowning gently Yuki turned and kissed Shuichis cheek, smirking gently and pushing himself up. He helped the other up and hugged him again as if it was the last time they would see each other. Sighing gently, Shuichi smiled and sunk into the warmth of Yukis form.

"Yuki… Why did you come back? What about your wife and your daughter?" Taking a step back Shuichi averted those gorgeous violet orbs up to Yukis cold golden ones.

A frown crossed over Yukis lips before leaning back against the tiled bathroom wall. His hand brushed back a strand of hair before glancing towards Shuichi again.

"That isn't my wife and that isn't my daughter. She thinks I'm in love with her and she won't leave me the hell alone. She's constantly going on about how she is a single parent and someone like me would be a great influence on her daughter. Akiko followed me back to Japan but left about two days ago to head back to the States."

Shuichi listened to each and every word, his eyes widening slightly. Yuki had left him to go to America? If he only knew sooner he would of tired to find him when he went on the tour with Bad Luck. But that must have been why Yuki didn't tell him… he knew that Shuichi would try to follow him, to beg and plead him not to leave but Yuki just had to leave him. He was slowly ripping apart the young singer each and every time he pushed him away. Shuichi was so innocent and all he wanted was Yukis love and that was the most frightening thing to Yuki. He didn't know if he could handle someone being so in love with him.

"Oh…" The singer finally replied while casting his eyes to the floor.

A hand reached up as fingertips brushed along Shuichis cheek, feeling lips press to his forehead.

"Brat, why aren't you over me yet? I don't want to be with you ever again." Yuki said as he moved away from the others form, smirking gently and walking away down the hallway.

Shuichi stood in the bathroom in slight shock, wondering why Yuki had to say that each time they met. Did he really hate him that much? He bit his bottom lip and listened to the door of his apartment open and close as he dropped down to his knees. Shuichi tugged open the cabinet under his sink to dig through the piles of supplies. The singer pulled out a razor he had placed there a day or so ago while giving an eased grin. Even if Yuki got mad he didn't care anymore, the morbid pleasure he received from it made him shudder. He wanted to hurt himself. Every cut that bled was a sign that the sin he committed was being forgiven if he had hurt himself.

Placing the blade to his wrist he swiftly cut over the raw skin; over and over. He smirked as the blood dripped to the tile beneath, staining it red. Lifting up a shaky arm the boy stared at his wounds. There had to be at least half a dozen new cuts on each wrist. A slight shudder overcame his body before he bit his bottom lip while feeling the pain finally kick in. Shuichi cried out and leaned his head back, clutching his wrists until the pain started to subside.

Shaking his head he cried out again and leaned back against the wall while snatching up the blade again. He didn't want to stop, he couldn't. Those darkened violet orbs stared down at the blade that was no covered in blood before dropping it down to his ankle. He slowly carved each letter into the tough skin, hissing in pain. Giving out a slight shiver he dropped the blade and stared down at the word he had carved into his leg.

**Masochist.**

_---_

Okay. So that's it for now. It was a weird, boring-ish lame chapter…. Well to me. X3 I'll get the next chapter out when I can, I'm still suffering from this writers block. T T; No idea what I want to do with this story yet, just kind of letting my thoughts flow. See you next chappie.


	4. Lost Inside

**Authors note** - Hey everyone! Sorry for the realllly late update. It's been nearly a MONTH. But I've had A LOT of stuff going on in my life and needed a little break. This chapter ended up much longer then I was attending but I think I'm recovering from my writers block. ; Thank you all for the reviews, I really appreciate them. 3 Enjoy this chapter.

**Disclaimer** – I do not own Gravitation nor the characters. Plain and simple.

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**_Lost inside _**Chapter Four

"He's dead."

"N… nani?"

"Come to the park." A click and then a long buzz.

Shuichi stared down at the phone he held in his small hand, not quite sure what just happened. A voice had told him someone was dead but he didn't know who nor recognized the voice over the phone.

With a soft growl Shuichi threw his phone on the couch and snatched up his coat and keys. Turning the lights off Shuichi stepped into the hallway and closed the door of his apartment. Pulling on his jacket Shuichi pressed the button to the elevator as those violet eyes watched the new huge steel doors creep open in front of him.

Shuichi sighed and pushed the doors open as he stepped out into the lobby of the apartment complex. He nervously bit on his lower lip while chewing on the dried skin. What if it was Hiro? Tohma? … Yuki? Shuichi shook his head and walked out to his car. Tugging open the door he jumped in and turned on his car, speeding off through the dark streets.

Xxx

"Is that him?"

"I think so." A dark slim figure leaned against the tree in the park while his eyes locked on the black vehicle approaching.

"Get ready."

"Sure thing." Another man smirked and grabbed his camera out of his book bag.

Growling in annoyance Shuichi parked his car and stepped out, scanning his eyes over the dark, deserted park. His eyes narrowed as he spotted two figures, walking towards them without a second though.

"Who!" Shuichi yelled at the shadow figure against the tree. The man chuckled and stepped out from the shadows, smirking at Shuichi. He had long flowing golden hair that dropped down past his waist and had ice cold hues which stared directly into Shuichis eyes. Shuichi raised an eyebrow and slid his keys into his pocket.

"What the hell is this abou-" Shuichi screeched as a hand was placed tightly over his mouth. His eyes snapped back to the man who was still in front of his, gasping slightly. Shuichi felt another pair of hands hold his wrists above the young singers heading as he was leaned against a cherry blossom tree. Cold lips pressed against Shuichi's ear while a soft groan followed quickly after.

"Let's play pretty boy."

Xxx

"Hiro…" Shuichi spoke softly on the phone, sitting on the cushioned sheets of his car.

"Hey Shu, what's wrong?" Hiro replied, staring a new song on his guitar.

"… I… was… Never mind…" Shuichi bit down on his lower lip, his eyes gazing to his feet. He had been tricked and he couldn't believe it. They had called him to the park to rape him, to humiliate him, to do whatever they wanted with his body. No one had died. He was such an idiot! How could he believe something like that? Blinking away his tears he heard Hiro rambling on about something. He had been lost in his own self-pity again.

"I'll call you back Hiro." A click.

Shuichi dropped the phone on the passengers seat and stared down at his bloody and bruised body. His teeth latched to his bottom lip as he pulled up his tattered pant leg, letting his soft fingertips brush along the carved word in his skin. It had been nearly a week since he had sliced his leg and he hadn't heard a word from or about Yuki in that time span at all. Is that why he came to the park? Was it because he thought Yuki had been harmed? He clenched his fists and eyes as he choked back the tears. He was so stupid, so weak, so immature to believe someone he knew had died. He knew Tohma, the hospital, or someone else he _knew_ would of called, not someone random that told him to meet in the park.

Hissing out in anger he slid the keys into the ignition and slammed his foot on the gas pedal, speeding off quickly down the mostly deserted roads. His eyes were filling with tears, blurring his vision slightly. Shuichi glanced to his cell phone as the ring blared out through the vehicle, lighting up in a glowing green around the numbers. Turning his head away, Shuichi turned back to the road as his eyes widened then tightly shut, slamming his foot on the brake.

Everything was so dark and only the loud ringing of the ambulance made its way into Shuichi's head. It was like something from a television show he had seen one night while staying up too late.

Xxx

"Shu?"

Shuichi groaned as he opened his eyes ever so slowly, seeing Hiro leaning over him. He moved to sit up but cried out and fell backwards onto the bed. Where the hell was he?

"Whoa, don't do that." Hiro replied and scanned over his friends body.

"Hiro? What the fuck happened! Where am I!" Shuichi cried out and stared up at his best friend while clenching his hands into fists.

"You don't remember?" Hiro whispered gently, stroking his fingertips along Shuichis cheek.

"You were in a car accident, you car was totaled. They said you slammed into the back of a building because you must of not caught the turn. Don't worry, Tohma is taking care of everything and keeping the reporters away."

Shuichi sighed in relief at the new about the reporters but cringed inwardly at the explanation of what had happened. Averting his eyes down he gasped slightly, seeing that his leg was bandaged; the leg he had carved.

"I saw already, Shuichi. Why?" Hiro took Shuichi hand , squeezing it tightly.

Biting his bottom lip Shuichi looked towards Hiro, choking back his tears. He felt horrible. Why did he have to carve that? Make Hiro worry? Get into that stupid car crash? Or even… He shuddered and tightly held Hiro's hand.

"Do you… know where I was before the crash?" Hiro shook his head in a reply.

"Someone called me… and told me someone died and I thought it might be you or something and and… and I went and they…" He clenched his eyes shut before chocking out the words.

"They raped me… Hiro…"

Hiro stared at Shuichi and shook his head. He growled and stood up quickly, nearly knocking over the chair he was sitting in.

"What! Don't worry; I'll take care of those bastards. Where do they live, tell me!"

"I don't know…"

"Then what's their names Shuichi?"

"I don't know…"

Hiro rubbed his temples and began to quickly pace the room. The lead guitarist growled again and moved to Shuichi to hug him and kiss his cheek.

"I need some time to think, stay safe, I'll be back soon." Hiro waved and stepped out of the room quietly, closing the door behind him.

Shuichi sighed and nodded once Hiro left, leaning his head back onto the hospital pillow. He felt horrible for making Hiro worry, it was tearing him apart. Looking around he noticed how bare the walls were… so plain. They were just a shade of white with not a speck of dirt on them. The ground was tiled and white also, yet was clean as a whistle. Shaking his head the young singer went to turn on his side and cried out to the sudden sharp pains snapping throughout his body.

"You've broken your leg and a few of your ribs."

Widening his eyes Shuichi averted them quickly to the door only to notice there was a man standing there.

"Yuki!" Shuichi screeched out, his mouth opening in shock. What the hell was he doing here?

Yuki walked casually towards the bed and stared down at Shuichi childish face. He smirked and shook his head, sitting down in the chair next to the bed.

"You've been passed out for the past three days, Brat. We weren't sure if you were going to wake up. You weren't suppose to." Yuki reached into his pocket to grab his box of cigarettes while smacking it against his palm, sliding out on of the cancer sticks. He held the box out to Shuichi while placing his own cigarette between his moist lips.

"Want?"

"Mr. Eiri!" A nurse screeched out from the hallway, dropping her blankets she had recently folded on the ground.

"Do not offer a patient drugs!"

Yuki rolled his eyes and kicked the door closed while grabbing his lighter and lighting up his cigarette.

Shuichi stared at the author in front of him, still in complete shock. Why did Yuki come to see him? And where had he been the past week!

"Yuki?" Shuichi mumbled softly while glancing down to his hands that were now folded on his lap. Shaking his head he sighed and leaned back, those strawberry lochs of hair falling in front of his eyes.

"What, Brat?" Yuki snapped, blowing out a long trail of smoke from behind his luscious lips. Those golden hues stared down hard into Shuichis violet ones.

"Where were you? Why did you come see me?" Shuichi asked softly, lifting his head to stare at his ex lover.

Yuki sighed and put out his cigarette on the side table next to Shuichis bed. He leaned forward and smirked, pressing his lips tightly to the young singers own ones, hearing the other moan softly underneath him. Shuichi lifted his arms and wrapped them around Yukis neck before hungrily pressing against the others moist petals. The author slipped his hand past the sheets on the bed before tracing his fingertips over Shuichis legs. Shuichi jumped slightly, his eyes widening. Did Yuki find out about the word on his leg? Sighing in a slight relief Shuichi felt Yukis hands move past his legs and up the front of his pants. A cold hand wrapped tightly around Shuichis exposed length causing Shuichi to cry out in sudden pleasure.

"Yuki!" Shuichi tilted his head back onto the pillow, totally lost in bliss.

Yuki grinned and moved away from the boy to stand up. Shaking his head he brushed away a strand of his soft blonde hair while staring down at his ex.

"When you get out of here, let's hook up one night." He said casually, smirking and turning on his heel to leave the room.

"O…okay." Shuichi bowed his head down while blushing and pulling the blankets back over his form.

"Wait! Yuki? Why do you keep coming to see me and staying near me?" Cursing himself for asking, Shuichi lifted his head and stared up at his ex lover with a slight plea in his eyes.

"Because I still love you." Yuki said softly and opened the door, closing it behind him.

Shuichi gaped at the door once it closed shaking his head. Was that true? Did Yuki still love him? Even after Yuki told him he hated him after each meeting they had? It couldn't be true, it couldn't be. He and Yuki were over, that was that. There would never be a them, us or we ever again. That relationship was behind him and he could never start another one. But why did he want to so badly? He couldn't still love him could he? Yuki had left him for good and yet came back to say he loved him.

The young singer sighed and leaned his head back, those violet orbs averting up towards the bleach white ceiling of his hospital room. Why was everything so messed up in his life? He was just raped, got into an accident, had his best friend find out he cuts, and then have his ex lover say that he still loved him. It was all too much.

Xxx

Hiro sighed and leaned back against the wall outside the hospital. His eyes were locked on the cement as chocolate lochs of hair fell past his eyes. The guitarists hands were shoved into his jean pockets while being held into fists. How cold anyone do that to his friend?

"Shuichi…" He whispered quietly before shoving his form forward and slowly walking over to his motorcycle. Pulling on the helmet he brushed those strands of hair over his shoulder and swung his leg over the side of his bike.

"Don't worry Shu, I'll take care of the guys who dared to touch you."

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Alright. That was the longest chapter so far. ;; I hope you enjoyed it. Please review. x3 I'm sorry it took so long! I'll try to get the next chapter up soon. Ja ne.


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